self-acceptance and looking goofy

I am appreciative of times when I feel an abundance of creative inspiration. 

There have been long stretches of life where inspiration was sparse. Times when it felt like I was bursting with pent-up creative energy but no outlet for it, nothing to pour it into. I'd feel frustrated, trapped, powerless. I wanted to be a creative guy that created STUFF that was COOL and GOOD but I didn't know what to do. That tension oozed out into my life in the past more than it does now, I think, making my brain itchy and my demeanor irritable. I knew I identified as a creative person, but simultaneously felt that my lack of creative inspiration and follow-through were evidence that I was mistaken, and the dissonance of that resulted in shame. 

It turned out that the inspiration has always been there, it's just been hidden - by anxiety, by my own self-doubt, by a desperation to be accepted and approved of by others, by so much else. In getting to know more of the different parts within myself, I am learning how to creatively collaborate with myself, and it feels like finding a voice. (i immediately have the urge to undercut that by noting how pretentious it feels to talk about ~finding my voice~ but also sometimes cliches are cliche for reasons).  

Doing scary and vulnerable things can look and feel a little goofy - that's the inherent risk you take in trying something new; you might misstep, and then you'll have to learn how you deal with that. I used to think that if I just believed in myself enough, I would magically get to avoid looking goofy. I think the actual trick is to let yourself look goofy. Accept it as the cost of growth. Recognize that looking goofy is uncomfortable, but usually not dangerous. I am working on believing in myself enough to know that I can handle looking goofy. 

featuring a lil not-quite-finished papier mache version of me from a craft I made a few years ago - no particular reason why, I'm just awkward about pictures of myself